When Words Fail

This month is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and today is a link up with some wonderful women who have {tragically} experienced such a loss.
I have never experienced the loss of a pregnancy or the loss of an infant, so why on earth would I think about writing on the subject?
I am writing as a friend, as a woman who will speak for the women who have no words.  I cannot tell you what they are feeling, and I cannot tell you how much they hurt, but I can tell you how to love them and love them well.
My first experiences with a friend who had a miscarriage truthfully didn't really effect me.  I thought, "well, that's too bad," and I moved forward with our friendship and our lives as though nothing happened. 
I treated her child's passing as if it was insignificant and I wounded to her.  She wanted to mourn her loss, she wanted a big ugly cry, and a shoulder to do that on.  Instead what she got was a nonchalant "sorry" and everyone just moved on, like her baby had never happened.  We {read I} made her feel like her sorrow was dramatic, like missing and mourning a child that never entered this earth, that she had barely come to know even existed, was excessive.
I have come a long way from the friend that I once was, I have had more experiences than I care to recount with friends who have lost pregnancies, lost babies who came into this world only to take a few precious breaths before going back to Jesus, friends who gave birth to fully developed perfect babies whose souls where already back home in the Father's loving arms.  God has opened my heart and my eyes to the intense pain women experience through these losses.
But what do you do?? How do you comfort a woman who has experienced such hurt??  What do you say when words fail you, when every syllable from your tongue rings hollow in your ears.

Here is what I have learned.
You don't have to say anything, you shouldn't say anything.
Even your prayers should remain silent, only between you and God.
What you should do is LOVE.
What are the ways that your friend has shown you love??
Does she always bake you brownies?
Does she show up to visit with you just because?
Does she give great big bear hugs whenever you visit?
Those things are her love language.  Those things are the things that make her feel loved, so make her feel loved.
Bring brownies, stop by for a visit, give hugs that lift her off of her feet.
When she feels sufficiently loved, then you can say something.
You should let her know that what she is experiencing is a pain that you cannot fathom, you should tell her in no uncertain terms that you love her and you are a safe place, and you should leave your door open.
Maybe she needs a shoulder on which to cry.
Maybe she needs to know that you will remember her little one.
Maybe she needs to be left alone with her thoughts and her feelings.
Whatever she needs, you should be willing to provide.
Don't sweep her loss under the rug because it is hard for you to deal with.
Don't tell her things like, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," because that is not true.  God will give us WAY more than we can handle then asks us to give it back to Him, to trust in Him, to have faith in Him.
Don't try to tell her how she should be feeling, how she should be handling things.
Just love her, love her fully and deeply, try {in your very human way} to love her the way that Jesus loves her.
Be Present.
Be Love.
Be a Friend.

Linking Up With the Fontenot Four
And Miss Casey Liegh

In Love,

P.S. There will be lots coming on what I have learned through The Influence Conference.  I just need some time to process <3

This month is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and today is a link up with some wonderful women who have {tragically} experienced such a loss.
I have never experienced the loss of a pregnancy or the loss of an infant, so why on earth would I think about writing on the subject?
I am writing as a friend, as a woman who will speak for the women who have no words.  I cannot tell you what they are feeling, and I cannot tell you how much they hurt, but I can tell you how to love them and love them well.
My first experiences with a friend who had a miscarriage truthfully didn't really effect me.  I thought, "well, that's too bad," and I moved forward with our friendship and our lives as though nothing happened. 
I treated her child's passing as if it was insignificant and I wounded to her.  She wanted to mourn her loss, she wanted a big ugly cry, and a shoulder to do that on.  Instead what she got was a nonchalant "sorry" and everyone just moved on, like her baby had never happened.  We {read I} made her feel like her sorrow was dramatic, like missing and mourning a child that never entered this earth, that she had barely come to know even existed, was excessive.
I have come a long way from the friend that I once was, I have had more experiences than I care to recount with friends who have lost pregnancies, lost babies who came into this world only to take a few precious breaths before going back to Jesus, friends who gave birth to fully developed perfect babies whose souls where already back home in the Father's loving arms.  God has opened my heart and my eyes to the intense pain women experience through these losses.
But what do you do?? How do you comfort a woman who has experienced such hurt??  What do you say when words fail you, when every syllable from your tongue rings hollow in your ears.

Here is what I have learned.
You don't have to say anything, you shouldn't say anything.
Even your prayers should remain silent, only between you and God.
What you should do is LOVE.
What are the ways that your friend has shown you love??
Does she always bake you brownies?
Does she show up to visit with you just because?
Does she give great big bear hugs whenever you visit?
Those things are her love language.  Those things are the things that make her feel loved, so make her feel loved.
Bring brownies, stop by for a visit, give hugs that lift her off of her feet.
When she feels sufficiently loved, then you can say something.
You should let her know that what she is experiencing is a pain that you cannot fathom, you should tell her in no uncertain terms that you love her and you are a safe place, and you should leave your door open.
Maybe she needs a shoulder on which to cry.
Maybe she needs to know that you will remember her little one.
Maybe she needs to be left alone with her thoughts and her feelings.
Whatever she needs, you should be willing to provide.
Don't sweep her loss under the rug because it is hard for you to deal with.
Don't tell her things like, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," because that is not true.  God will give us WAY more than we can handle then asks us to give it back to Him, to trust in Him, to have faith in Him.
Don't try to tell her how she should be feeling, how she should be handling things.
Just love her, love her fully and deeply, try {in your very human way} to love her the way that Jesus loves her.
Be Present.
Be Love.
Be a Friend.

Linking Up With the Fontenot Four
And Miss Casey Liegh

In Love,

P.S. There will be lots coming on what I have learned through The Influence Conference.  I just need some time to process <3